New Year.. Same Life..

I need a change. I have been mia from here because life gets in the way of what I am doing all the time.

Also, to be honest, I have zero fricking follow through with anything and I often stop projects before I complete them to start something new.

But, I am just popping in to say I'm back and hopefully I will stay back.

There have been a lot of changes in my life. I really want to go somewhere with this blog where I don't know yet.

I have a lot I would like to contribute to this site. I have to pull myself and my focus. Focus has always been issue for me as I have no attention span to speak of.


However, my kid is GREAT. A little on the rude side, but still great and thriving.

I'll see ya soon!

Adjustment Period

Though I mainly focus on my mental issues and how that affects my life as a mother. Im into other things.

However, I have a new teenager in my home and I never shared that with you.

Well it happened last week and I must admit I am adjusting amazingly well. I had a couple of setbacks with drinking and drugs for a minute. But, I think I have even surpassed that hurdle actually.

She is a dream and I just love her. She is my daughter's father's oldest daughter. She is 14. She is such a lovely girl and just a dream to be around.

I can't say its easy because it is actually a TON of work that I knew I was in for. I am the matriarch of my family. If I don't do it, then basically it doesn't get done. I am finding that having lots to do is actually very very good for me. Its being bored that is bad for me and doesn't really work out well. The idle mind thing I guess.

Well, I need to get back into this blogging game, primarily because it is so therapeutic for me. So, there is more to come.

Just had to let you know I now have two daughters. I have a 14 year old and a 2 year old.

Life's Looking up, but what goes up MUST come DOWN

I know it has been forever since I have posted. I apologize profusely for that.

Let me fill you in on some things. Zoloft is still working. Downside, it has me feeling so good that at times I think that I am 'okay'. So, "okay" that I have forgotten to take it for days and feel the "old me" bubbling up through the cracks in my psyche and reaching the surface.

I have had a few setbacks. Those have included an issue with the child's father. Several in fact. But, we are back on track. I know what you are thinking. How much can you take off of that man.

Answer: I don't know. But, I know I have done things that I have been forgiven for, but have never been one to forgive. So, its time for me to start practicing what I preach. If everyone can change. Then, I need to allow someone else to show me that they are capable of change.

What will I do differently? SLOW DOWN. I am in no HURRY to do anything. I have NO INTEREST in marriage right now. I simply want to enjoy my family and my life. I need to accept that this is my life. But, accepting that will put me into a vulnerable position as to where if this is NOT my life I have to find a way to deal with that. I'm not good at dealing with things that included abandonment of any sort. PERIOD.

But, we shall see. I promise to try my best as to not neglect this "SPACE" anymore. I need this outlet and feel as if I am missing it in the weeks I go with nothing.

Look forward to more "introspection" as that is what this has become.

I would also like to take this to the next level. Maybe more pictures and more devotion to getting my cyber skills together to make this a more enjoyable experience with the audience.

I have a lot of other interests. I love Hair and all things beauty. I am a devoted mom who enjoys finding new recipes to try for her family. I also love writing. There is just so MUCH to me that I feel I want to share. Maybe I'll drop a story or a saying every now and then, I have no clue.

But, I'll stick around though.

ZOLOFT is king.

I just need to report in my SUCCESS with this medication. My personality is a problem for me as it always has been. It has me worrying and extreme anxiety. EVERYTHING is a problem for me and nothing is easy.  Trying to be normal is a struggle for me as it always has been.

But, now, I feel Great. Its not that nothing can get me down. But, I am finally not sweating the small stuff. That has taken a great consideration off of my mind.

I can FINALLY focus on what I need to do and NOT beat myself up about it or STRESS myself out about it. I am able to just sit back and do the things that need to be done.

I am a good place in my life. FINALLY. I owe it to ZOLOFT. It is my NEW best friend.

New Medication and Relaxation

So, I'm pretty sure I told you guys I take Zoloft now. Well, maybe it is my miracle drug. I still have BPD tendencies, but my overall worrying and dissecting has calmed down tremendously.

I was finally able to sit down and HEAR what my daughter's father has been saying. I have taken into consideration everything that I have done and went though in two years.
The past is the past and it REALLY needs to be BEHIND everyone. I feel as if he totally overreacted to my past. I do not agree with the choices he made. But, in time, I will be able to say its' the past and we are moving forward.

I have been able to maintain boundaries. I have calmly expressed what I am upset about and what needs to be worked on.

Right now, we are "just friends". I think that is a good thing. I KNOW he WANTS to be together. I think this provides me with the security I need to relax and see where things go.

My daughter is happy and he is being a tremendous help to me. The last three months of my life have been a roller coaster due to his lying and not understanding his own emotions.

But, if I'm being honest with everyone involved, I may have started some things as well as egged some other things on.

I am realizing that it is OKAY for me to have him PROVE the things that he says because I don't fully trust his words. Trust has to be worked on and earned after it has been lost.

Overall, the state of my relationship is not why I feel better. But, my new clam is allowing me to have a successful relationship with boundaries.

Breathing easy

For whatever reason, I am breathing easily today. I am focusing on staying calm and I have some personal goals about myself that I am also working on. I believe that these are good things. I am focusing on becoming a "private person". I don't spout off my personal business to folks on a daily.

But, my mouth has no filter and I am usually saying waaaayy more than I should. I'm working on that by trying to not say much.

I have FINALLY gotten the garbage out of my life with no backlash or anything on my end to be sorry about.

I just feel like today is the first day of my future and I need to leave everything else before today where it is and that is in the past.

This post may not make sense to you as it really doesn't necessarily make sense to me but I am breathing easily. Not on edge. Not upset. Just kind of accepting things.

Curiosity is my enemy

The enemy of my enemy is not my friend. My enemy is curiosity. I am so curious about things and sometimes that gets me into trouble. Because sometimes I find out things that piss me off and me pissed off is NEVER a good thing.

But, I am saying the I am watching my curiosity from now on. I am going to stop being so curious about things that do not directly affect my life. Because it's just too much of a hassle.

Right now, I have switched my meds. I am now on Zoloft, which I don't know if it is working yet, but I have faith.

The paroxetine withdrawal sucked I felt like I was shocked twenty times a day. That's over now. THANK YOU.

I am having some awesome hair days, which I usually don't. I feel good. I am focused on what matters and trying my best to blow off what doesn't.

I am back on track and in a 'I refuse' state. I refuse to let anything outside of myself get me down or change my mood.
I have a new number and no one can contact me. I haven't been on social websites in years. I am spending time with my daughter and planning the next part of my life.

Hopefully, I can keep this feeling and move FORWARD.