Well, the long short of it is I asked the father of my child to give me some time and then we can go back to his regularly scheduled program with his child.
Now, don't think this is a disruption to her schedule. Its not. Before we got back together I could count on one hand how many times that man had come to get her, did I mention she is almost three.
I digress, my focus is not setting small goals to further my accomplishments.
My goal today is personal calls at work. I have a bad habit of feeling a "certain way" and needing to talk to somebody. I don't think it interferes with my work because I'm pretty intelligent and I work hard and fast. My productivity is never in question. So, it might slow me down, but since I produce so much more than the average worker, due to my manic states, I'm always above the normal.
So, if I can manage to do that I think I will be fine. I'm sure all jobs have two breaks and a lunch and I need to wait until that time to deal with myself I will be fine.
For whatever reason if I can accomplish this I can accomplish anything.
I am taking steps to make it back to how I was before I flew into a whirlwind of making bad decisions.
"In real life" getting back together was one of the worst decisions I could have made for my child. But, I can't go back in the past and change anything. So, I have to accept it and move on.
So, I have a goal set and I plan on achieving it.
Now, the personal emails may never stop, but shoot I gotta have something right?
Wish me luck.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
NEW BeGinnings
So, small setback at Wal-Mart yesterday that I must report. I got aggravated with the wireless worker and my card I was trying to buy in his face. But, I was waiting awhile and he just insisted on helping everyone but me. Could I have handled it better. Not at that time.
I have been at such a high stress level for so long, that I'm now finding myself in a manic state. Now, I can recognize that I'm in one, but I can not control my actions when I become "outside of myself".
In a previous post I talked about how outside stimulation is bad for me. Well, since I'm in a manic state (a low one), I have to work extra hard and do this. Something as simple as going to Wal-Mart is not an option for me right now.
But, I changed my number this morning. I feel good knowing that you have literally come to my home to talk to me if you don't have my number. Very few people know where I live, and I doubt if anybody has anything that important to say to me.
So, all of the worry about outside stress is over with. I'm moving on and moving forward. That has always been WORK for me. But, I have never been the one to run from hard work.
I threw away the outside forces and am focusing on my child and myself.
Its hard to be healthy with an Unhealthy mind in a Chaotic world. But, I will keep trying.
I have been at such a high stress level for so long, that I'm now finding myself in a manic state. Now, I can recognize that I'm in one, but I can not control my actions when I become "outside of myself".
In a previous post I talked about how outside stimulation is bad for me. Well, since I'm in a manic state (a low one), I have to work extra hard and do this. Something as simple as going to Wal-Mart is not an option for me right now.
But, I changed my number this morning. I feel good knowing that you have literally come to my home to talk to me if you don't have my number. Very few people know where I live, and I doubt if anybody has anything that important to say to me.
So, all of the worry about outside stress is over with. I'm moving on and moving forward. That has always been WORK for me. But, I have never been the one to run from hard work.
I threw away the outside forces and am focusing on my child and myself.
Its hard to be healthy with an Unhealthy mind in a Chaotic world. But, I will keep trying.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Getting Over SetBacks....
Well, since this is where I come to be completely honest allow me to do so.
I kicked the father of my child out yesterday for reasons explained in my previous post.
I don't think he cared. But, for whatever reason he would not return my keys. He made up all these excuses and finally I was up a wall with the situation and offered to meet him somewhere. (Even though our child was sleep, and I had to wake her up out of the bed, get her dressed and put her in the car)
He wasn't willing to drip my keys off. Then, he acted as if he didn't want to meet me anywhere. After that, he was like his lights weren't working and he couldn't drive any further. So, Im driving down the street and looking for him because he was supposedly "pulled over".
We were on the phone, he was avoiding the question, I was getting "outside of myself:.
Before I knew it I seen him at the red light and his lights were fine.
I LOST IT.
Short story, even shorter I attempted to CRASH my car into his going at full speed. Due to his superb driving skills, he is a driver, I missed him.
Alas, I attempted these things again with no mention of forethought of my safety. I TOTALLY forgot my child was in her car seat in the back sleeping.
My keys were thrown against my windshield at the time of the chase, so at least I did get them back.
I have always been concerned about my child's safety around me. Not because I have ever done anything to her. (I don't even pop her, even when she deserves it) But, because I know BPD (BiPolar Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can cause me to do things that are "out of my control"
I have NEVER, since this child has been on this earth, done anything that endangers her well-being. I may have done things detrimental to my own health, but not my child's.
Once I got home, I completely BROKE DOWN. I totally FORGOT she was in the car because she was sleep the whole time. Tears were coming, breathing was quickened, and I was pretty close to having a panic attack.
Now, this is a bad thing because it is just me and my two year old. I am completely independent and usually there are not other adults in the home with us. So, if I would have a had a full blown attack, I have no idea what would have happened.
After talking to my mom, I realized that "folk" try to cut you down and hit your sore spot, because that's all they have on you.
I admit I am a very flirty person. I don't dress provocatively or succumb to promiscuity in my adulthood, but I did tend to have more guy friends in the past. I can see how people may have perceived me.
But, the past is the past. I take care of myself and my child with no outside financial support. I have a job and my child is enrolled in a private daycare.
I had a setback and I need to accept it, vow to do EVERYTHING in my power to not let it happen again, and move on.
Now, for me this will be work. But, I am committed to doing the necessary work.
I kicked the father of my child out yesterday for reasons explained in my previous post.
I don't think he cared. But, for whatever reason he would not return my keys. He made up all these excuses and finally I was up a wall with the situation and offered to meet him somewhere. (Even though our child was sleep, and I had to wake her up out of the bed, get her dressed and put her in the car)
He wasn't willing to drip my keys off. Then, he acted as if he didn't want to meet me anywhere. After that, he was like his lights weren't working and he couldn't drive any further. So, Im driving down the street and looking for him because he was supposedly "pulled over".
We were on the phone, he was avoiding the question, I was getting "outside of myself:.
Before I knew it I seen him at the red light and his lights were fine.
I LOST IT.
Short story, even shorter I attempted to CRASH my car into his going at full speed. Due to his superb driving skills, he is a driver, I missed him.
Alas, I attempted these things again with no mention of forethought of my safety. I TOTALLY forgot my child was in her car seat in the back sleeping.
My keys were thrown against my windshield at the time of the chase, so at least I did get them back.
I have always been concerned about my child's safety around me. Not because I have ever done anything to her. (I don't even pop her, even when she deserves it) But, because I know BPD (BiPolar Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can cause me to do things that are "out of my control"
I have NEVER, since this child has been on this earth, done anything that endangers her well-being. I may have done things detrimental to my own health, but not my child's.
Once I got home, I completely BROKE DOWN. I totally FORGOT she was in the car because she was sleep the whole time. Tears were coming, breathing was quickened, and I was pretty close to having a panic attack.
Now, this is a bad thing because it is just me and my two year old. I am completely independent and usually there are not other adults in the home with us. So, if I would have a had a full blown attack, I have no idea what would have happened.
After talking to my mom, I realized that "folk" try to cut you down and hit your sore spot, because that's all they have on you.
I admit I am a very flirty person. I don't dress provocatively or succumb to promiscuity in my adulthood, but I did tend to have more guy friends in the past. I can see how people may have perceived me.
But, the past is the past. I take care of myself and my child with no outside financial support. I have a job and my child is enrolled in a private daycare.
I had a setback and I need to accept it, vow to do EVERYTHING in my power to not let it happen again, and move on.
Now, for me this will be work. But, I am committed to doing the necessary work.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Paying for the Past?
Do you feel like someone in your life is still making you pay for things that happened in that past. Things that may have happened before you were on the journey to "being healthy".
Well, I'm here to tell you STOP.
All you can do is OWN your past. That's IT!!!! You can't go back and change it. Most of the time, you can't even explain it because you don't know why you did the things you did.
Let me ask you this "How can you better if you are always being reminded of the things you used to do?"
The answer is "You can't"
Therefor, the best to get better is to give yourself a clean start. Its okay to break ties with the people in your life that are just a reminder of your past.
Lets be honest most of haven't been walking around knowing what's wrong with us. We just knew that something was wrong. Our behavior wasn't explainable because it came from a place of no understanding.
I recently restarted a relationship with my daughter's father. Now, the first time around we both had issues. He cheated and I was talking to other people. I never SLEPT with anyone else, but I was carrying on conversations and what not.
However, that is in the past and if I have to move on from him cheating on me why is it that he can bring up stuff from the past.
He looked through my phone and read over texts that were sent in 2012. Now, in 2012 we were not together at all. We were barely speaking actually. He's throwing things in my face and calling me disgusting and what not.
What's funny is that it's 2013. As a matter of fact its the end of 2013. I kept trying to plead my case about how that is in the past and there is nothing shady since. How we weren't even together.
But, you know what I am realizing is that I don't OWE anyone any explanations about anything. I have made CHANGES in my life and I have stuck to them.
Promiscuity is a symptom of my mental illness. However, now that I know and recognize that, I don't have any issues with it. I don't talk to random guys just for conversation so I can feel loved or wanted.
I am working on loving and wanting myself and I have been working on this all of 2013. I'm not going to let ANYONE take my credit away by bringing up something that I can't change. If I keep having to hear about it I'm going to keep punshing myself for it.
We all deserve a chance to change. We all DESERVE a chance to be judged on our present and not on our past.
I realize this and I made a conscious decision to not continue on with the relationship. You know what I feel better already.
I feel like I have proven to myself that I DESERVE a new START. I am recognizing my issues and moving forward in my life.
I am not the person I used to be, and I WILL NOT keep paying for it.
NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
Cut off your ties to the old you. Its not healthy or beneficial.
I am a good person by my own standards and my standards are the only ones that matter.
Per the psych doc, nobody can change their past and why punish yourself for something that you can't do anything about. Its better to accept it and move on. Sometimes moving on means breaking cycles and ending relationships that may not have been healthy for you in the beginning.
Forgive yourself and move on. NOBODY should have to pay for anything that can't be changed.
NOBODY.
Don't pay for your past with your future!!
Well, I'm here to tell you STOP.
All you can do is OWN your past. That's IT!!!! You can't go back and change it. Most of the time, you can't even explain it because you don't know why you did the things you did.
Let me ask you this "How can you better if you are always being reminded of the things you used to do?"
The answer is "You can't"
Therefor, the best to get better is to give yourself a clean start. Its okay to break ties with the people in your life that are just a reminder of your past.
Lets be honest most of haven't been walking around knowing what's wrong with us. We just knew that something was wrong. Our behavior wasn't explainable because it came from a place of no understanding.
I recently restarted a relationship with my daughter's father. Now, the first time around we both had issues. He cheated and I was talking to other people. I never SLEPT with anyone else, but I was carrying on conversations and what not.
However, that is in the past and if I have to move on from him cheating on me why is it that he can bring up stuff from the past.
He looked through my phone and read over texts that were sent in 2012. Now, in 2012 we were not together at all. We were barely speaking actually. He's throwing things in my face and calling me disgusting and what not.
What's funny is that it's 2013. As a matter of fact its the end of 2013. I kept trying to plead my case about how that is in the past and there is nothing shady since. How we weren't even together.
But, you know what I am realizing is that I don't OWE anyone any explanations about anything. I have made CHANGES in my life and I have stuck to them.
Promiscuity is a symptom of my mental illness. However, now that I know and recognize that, I don't have any issues with it. I don't talk to random guys just for conversation so I can feel loved or wanted.
I am working on loving and wanting myself and I have been working on this all of 2013. I'm not going to let ANYONE take my credit away by bringing up something that I can't change. If I keep having to hear about it I'm going to keep punshing myself for it.
We all deserve a chance to change. We all DESERVE a chance to be judged on our present and not on our past.
I realize this and I made a conscious decision to not continue on with the relationship. You know what I feel better already.
I feel like I have proven to myself that I DESERVE a new START. I am recognizing my issues and moving forward in my life.
I am not the person I used to be, and I WILL NOT keep paying for it.
NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
Cut off your ties to the old you. Its not healthy or beneficial.
I am a good person by my own standards and my standards are the only ones that matter.
Per the psych doc, nobody can change their past and why punish yourself for something that you can't do anything about. Its better to accept it and move on. Sometimes moving on means breaking cycles and ending relationships that may not have been healthy for you in the beginning.
Forgive yourself and move on. NOBODY should have to pay for anything that can't be changed.
NOBODY.
Don't pay for your past with your future!!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Navigating ReLationships
First, I will say that my experience with relationships have never been the most positive.
Prior to knowing I was bi-polar, I always thought I was being treated a "certain" way and I took everything personally so it was hard to communicate with me.
Post knowing I was bi-polar it was hard for me to accept that anyone would really want to deal with me or this illness so I kind of became a doormat and promiscuous at times. I avoided relationships because I didn't want to waste my own time.
I was in a relationship with a guy for over three years in my late twenties. The relationship ended about 3 months after I had my first child by him. It was devastating for me. I had to figure out how to take care of another life by myself while dealing with my own issues.
However, 2 years have past and we have NOT been together. But, we decided to give this a try. I can see that he still loves me just as much as he did when we were together. But, I am skeptical. I am worrisome. I can't take another heartbreak. I PHYSICALLY can not take another one. I don't know if I will have the strength to pick myself back up again.
The first time I had a brand new baby that could not do anything for herself. But, I didn't take very good care of myself during this time. I only took care of her. (which caused my hair to fall out and extreme weight loss)
I am trying to navigate this relationship based upon honesty and understanding. He is reading literature about my disease and I am trying my best to communicate my feelings with him.
I have faith that he will do ANYTHING he has to in order for our family to work.
But, there is no guarantee that my illness will always ALLOW me to work WITH him.
This scares me, because sometimes I have no control of what I am doing. But, I don't want to be the reason my daughter doesn't have her mom and dad in the same house.
But, the truth is sometimes I do that that I can't explain and they are not easy to forgive.
How do you navigate your relationship?
Prior to knowing I was bi-polar, I always thought I was being treated a "certain" way and I took everything personally so it was hard to communicate with me.
Post knowing I was bi-polar it was hard for me to accept that anyone would really want to deal with me or this illness so I kind of became a doormat and promiscuous at times. I avoided relationships because I didn't want to waste my own time.
I was in a relationship with a guy for over three years in my late twenties. The relationship ended about 3 months after I had my first child by him. It was devastating for me. I had to figure out how to take care of another life by myself while dealing with my own issues.
However, 2 years have past and we have NOT been together. But, we decided to give this a try. I can see that he still loves me just as much as he did when we were together. But, I am skeptical. I am worrisome. I can't take another heartbreak. I PHYSICALLY can not take another one. I don't know if I will have the strength to pick myself back up again.
The first time I had a brand new baby that could not do anything for herself. But, I didn't take very good care of myself during this time. I only took care of her. (which caused my hair to fall out and extreme weight loss)
I am trying to navigate this relationship based upon honesty and understanding. He is reading literature about my disease and I am trying my best to communicate my feelings with him.
I have faith that he will do ANYTHING he has to in order for our family to work.
But, there is no guarantee that my illness will always ALLOW me to work WITH him.
This scares me, because sometimes I have no control of what I am doing. But, I don't want to be the reason my daughter doesn't have her mom and dad in the same house.
But, the truth is sometimes I do that that I can't explain and they are not easy to forgive.
How do you navigate your relationship?
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