Navigating ReLationships

First, I will say that my experience with relationships have never been the most positive.

Prior to knowing I was bi-polar, I always thought I was being treated a "certain" way and I took everything personally so it was hard to communicate with me.

Post knowing I was bi-polar it was hard for me to accept that anyone would really want to deal with me or this illness so I kind of became a doormat and promiscuous at times. I avoided relationships because I didn't want to waste my own time.

I was in a relationship with a guy for over three years in my late twenties. The relationship ended about 3 months after I had my first child by him. It was devastating for me. I had to figure out how to take care of another life by myself while dealing with my own issues.

However, 2 years have past and we have NOT been together. But, we decided to give this a try. I can see that he still loves me just as much as he did when we were together. But, I am skeptical. I am worrisome. I can't take another heartbreak. I PHYSICALLY can not take another one. I don't know if I will have the strength to pick myself back up again.

The first time I had a brand new baby that could not do anything for herself. But, I didn't take very good care of myself during this time. I only took care of her. (which caused my hair to fall out and extreme weight loss)

I am trying to navigate this relationship based upon honesty and understanding. He is reading literature about my disease and I am trying my best to communicate my feelings with him.

I have faith that he will do ANYTHING he has to in order for our family to work.

But, there is no guarantee that my illness will always ALLOW me to work WITH him.

This scares me, because sometimes I have no control of what I am doing. But, I don't want to be the reason my daughter doesn't have her mom and dad in the same house.

But, the truth is sometimes I do that that I can't explain and they are not easy to forgive.

How do you navigate your relationship?