Breathing easy

For whatever reason, I am breathing easily today. I am focusing on staying calm and I have some personal goals about myself that I am also working on. I believe that these are good things. I am focusing on becoming a "private person". I don't spout off my personal business to folks on a daily.

But, my mouth has no filter and I am usually saying waaaayy more than I should. I'm working on that by trying to not say much.

I have FINALLY gotten the garbage out of my life with no backlash or anything on my end to be sorry about.

I just feel like today is the first day of my future and I need to leave everything else before today where it is and that is in the past.

This post may not make sense to you as it really doesn't necessarily make sense to me but I am breathing easily. Not on edge. Not upset. Just kind of accepting things.

Curiosity is my enemy

The enemy of my enemy is not my friend. My enemy is curiosity. I am so curious about things and sometimes that gets me into trouble. Because sometimes I find out things that piss me off and me pissed off is NEVER a good thing.

But, I am saying the I am watching my curiosity from now on. I am going to stop being so curious about things that do not directly affect my life. Because it's just too much of a hassle.

Right now, I have switched my meds. I am now on Zoloft, which I don't know if it is working yet, but I have faith.

The paroxetine withdrawal sucked I felt like I was shocked twenty times a day. That's over now. THANK YOU.

I am having some awesome hair days, which I usually don't. I feel good. I am focused on what matters and trying my best to blow off what doesn't.

I am back on track and in a 'I refuse' state. I refuse to let anything outside of myself get me down or change my mood.
I have a new number and no one can contact me. I haven't been on social websites in years. I am spending time with my daughter and planning the next part of my life.

Hopefully, I can keep this feeling and move FORWARD.

doing alright well at least almost

So, I must add that I'm feeling better about myself. I can look in the mirror and find very little fault with myself. If you struggle with BPD you know a horrible self image goes hand in hand.

But, I'm feeling alright. I'm focused on the long term and trying to stay away from the now. It's working. I'm busting my tail at work because in January I would like to go to school full time and that means dropping my hours some. So, I'm trying to have a nest egg by that time. Hopefully, I can do it.

I also find that the busier I am the less time I have to worry about things that really don't matter. The future is what's important I find myself punishing myself for the past. I can't do anything about it, and I need to stay away from those that want to keep talking about it. I'm past that.

I'm past liars because I am honest about myself. I am what I am. I am an Excellent mom, intelligent female, and I have issues. But, you know what last time I checked nobody is perfect. Even the 'normies' with perfect brain chemistry have their fair share of problems.

It took over 30 years for me to get to this point, and now that I'm here Im working hard at maintaining this joy. I know it wont be here forever and I will have my 'down' days or time period.

But, for now everything is okay.

BTW, my kid potty trained herself. I bought a potty and she has been using it. I punish myself because I know her mom is "not like other moms". But, I must be doing a good job because she is a happy and well adjusted child.

What do you do?

I have a borderline personality. I am not normal. I walk around this world feeling extremely different than everybody else.

The more I learn about this illness the more I understand myself. The more I cry because there is no cure.

I don't feel as if I can expect anyone to EVER deal with this illness. To be honest, I can't deal with myself sometimes.

All my energy goes toward trying to remain normal so I can be a good mother.

I don't have any energy left to "deal with myself". I don't expect anybody else to be able to deal with it either.

I'm trying to learn to accept things. I'm accepting the fact that I am a "messed" up individual and I'll probably be by myself because relationships take a lot out of me and they are not necessarily good for me anyway.

I cry a lot. Because there is ALWAYS something in my life to cry about.

I'm learning to accept that.

There is AlWays tomorrow

Well, when things don't work out as I planned I have to remember that today will be over and I still have tomorrow.

There has been things that has happened. I have done things and bounced back.

But, now I am realizing that I have to look FOR tomorrow when my days get so cloudy and there is no clear way out.

I am on this 'positive hobby' kick now. I have some very bad habits, that were actually my hobby. Its what I did in my spare time or when I didn't have anything else better to do. 

But, I am on a more positive kick. I am working at cleaning, doing puzzle books, and watching movies (that I haven't seen). I have a bad habit of watching the same things over and over again.

I want to do more research on things that I am curious about as well.

Also, I have a high end hair product habit as well, but that is a good thing. I am trying to get back into hair care as before I went into a downward spiral in my life, my hair was super long.

So, that's all that is going on . Got trash out of my life and I have to look for my tomorrow. Because one of them has to be a better day than today.

Violent Explosion

So,  I had a blow out with the father of my child.

It has come to my attention that he is UNSTABLE.

I am on a journey to being healthy and he is not.

Well, I put him out of my home last and he was taking his time leaving. I don't know what came over me, but I warned him that he was about to get punched in the face.

When he turned his back I punched him in the back. He instantly choked me out while I was holding our child.

I know I don't have pics, but I'll give you the specs. I'm 5'4 and I weigh probably 124 lbs at the most right now. He is about 6'1 and 230 lbs. He has over a hundred pounds on me and practically a foot in height.

It just got uglier from there.

I need to stick to my guns, but its hard when that was supposed to be my family.

But, Im pretty sure I have learned my last lesson with him. He is just TOXIC to me. Its almost like he is PURE POISON for me.

Give yourself credit.

So, the father of my child called my desk at work. (As that is the only he has to contact me) And I politely rejected the call to my voicemail.

Obviously, every time I deal with this man I have some type of issue, episode, or my whole sense of well being disappears.

At the end of the day, I have this child to raise and everything else is second to that. I can't be like that in front of her anymore. It's not acceptable to me.

So, I'm sticking to my no contact guns as this is the only thing that seems to keep me sane.

ITs hard, But you have to accept

"She learned about accepting things through accepting things."-- Wood Harris

I think this is what I need to do. I need to accept that the relationship with the father is over. And I need to accept that is a good thing.

I can't comment on whether he ever loved me or not. I can't comment on whether he ever loved his daughter or not.

But, I can comment on the fact that I have to move on from there and accept things for what they are.

This is what they are. I have to accept that. I can't make him care and you know do I really want him to care. Or do I just need someone to care. I don't know.

What I do know if that for the sake of my child, I need to accept things. Talking to him sent me into a manic state and it turned into a manic episode.

So, I need to accept things for what they are. This is what it is. I need to accept it.

How many times can somebody show you something before you accept it. I feel as if I have been shown so many times that certain people don't care about me. If I can accept that it wont hurt as bad.

I'm doing okay, but, I could feel better. I need to proud of myself for staying "clean" through my episode. But, this rush of sadness is preventing that from happening.

So, today I am just going to focus on accepting.

Manic EpiSodes will come

So, I had a manic episode last night. They come and they go. But, I guess that's why Im bipolar with a borderline personality. Instead of just having pure BPD (borderline personality disorder). Pure BPD has mostly downs and the mood swings don't last for long usually a few hours.

With Bipolar Disorder, you can be up for days or weeks and then down for just as long or longer. I am Bipolar. I do have  a borderline personality.

Okay, so now that you have read that allow me to explain. I am in a manic state. It is physiological, which is why I can recognize it. I am not hungry and I am EXTREMELY agitated.

Last night, I just felt sooooo empty inside (borderline personality trait) and I had no idea why I was here or what I was doing. I knew I could not leave this world without my child. Because who is going to take care of her with me gone.

I would go into details but it really just involves a lot of screaming, yelling, and crying. Then, you sit and stare. Then, you just don't know what's really going on. I live my life mostly in a fog and it is very rare that I have a clear line of sight.

Think of a blinding fog. That is a manic episode. A violent, blinding fog.

However, I would like to report that I made it through. I did not drink, smoke, or pop any sort of pill. I made it through. It was hard as hell. I even called the father of my child (who did not care) and now I am seeing that situation so much clearer.

I have no words for him. Sometimes there are no words.

But, this has made me stronger. Because if I could beat that all by my lonesome with no 'enhancers' then I'm okay.

I have issues that I recognize and I'm dealing with. But, I'm okay.

Don't Carry Someone else's mess

I realize that the issues I have been having as far as with myself is because I'm CARRYING other people's mess.

The father of my child stole something from me that I was saving for our daughter and gave it to another chick.

This hurt me because I felt like he did this to her. I have been carrying this pain and turning it on myself. Trying to think if I had done this or been that it would not have happened.

But, I can't carry that.

I didn't do anything something was done to me.

I can not carry that I have to get over and move on with my life. I have been on this I'm never talking to him again stuff. But, as I see things clearly I realized that I need to tell him that.

I need to tell him that I will no longer carry the things he has done to me. Its time for him to carry them for himself.

Achieving Goals and seeing things clearly.

First, allow me to congratulate myself and be proud of myself. That is something I rarely am is proud of myself. I am. I had a sober day. To be honest, I couldn't tell you when the last time I went a whole day with nothing.

Oh I can during my pregnancy. But, I was getting beat up and working 60 hours a week so who had the time. That is another post that I will visit when I'm stronger.

Right now, though, I'm seeing things so clear.

The father of my child tried to break me because he has his own issues. He was always telling me what I couldn't do. In the two years we were apart I managed to keep his child with a roof with hardly any financial support from him. She has had her own room since birth and has never utilized it for anything, but a place to store her toys. She has everything she wants and then some. I have  a stable career and her life is stable. She is two years old and she knows the pledge of allegiance. Pretty impressive.

People focus on your negatives because they could not have accomplished what you have on your own. They couldn't have accomplished it with help. In the two years we have been apart, this man does not have a stable place to live nor does he even have his own car. He drives a car everyday, but it is not his.

The one thing he used to drill into me is that I have a substance abuse problem. But, after yesterday I realize I don't have a substance abuse problem. I have a ME problem that I am addressing and dealing with everyday. I used to use substances to avoid dealing with ME.

But, I dealt with me yesterday and you know what she ain't so bad. Kind of short tempered and no patience, but she is a cool chick. She is laid back and enjoys the simpler things in life. She's not impressed by material things. Only impressed by intelligence and hard work.

She's not the best driver as she has torn off her rear view mirror after hitting a pole. But, all borderlines are bad drivers. Seriously we are. I think it has something to do with my poor impulse control and not having any control over the driving 'environment'.

It's like how a lot of extremely smart people refuse to drive because being on the road is sooo dangerous. (Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) Well, I'm the opposite. I'm probably the reason the road is dangerous. But, I have accepted that I'm not going to be a good driver so I have to keep good insurance. LOL.

But, as get deeper into this journey I am learning how to accept myself for who and what I am. I have a borderline personality and I am bipolar. That is who I am, but it does not have to define me and I can go on with my life with it.

It will not be as easy as you 'normies' out there. But, I can do. I'm proving to myself that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. It sounds cliché, but I'm doing it.

FEELINGS

So, I am still on a good track. But, my mind is wondering, that's what it does. My borderline personality causes me to turn things inwards.

Sometimes, I often feel like I'm not good enough. Good enough for what I don't know. But, its like the boogey man. Even though you know he is not real; he still has the power to scare the CRAP out of you.

This feeling has crept up and it is rearing its ugly head. Because I'm living this sober life I know there are going to be some tears later. Maybe, even some self pity. But, what there wont be is the use of anesthetics. So, I am really feeling this pain.

I'm scared every time my "work" phone rings because I know I can't handle to speaking to my daughter's father EVER. It seems harsh, but at the end of the day I am the only one who takes care of her everyday so if I'm not okay, she is not going to be okay.

She needs to be okay. For that to happen I have to stick with this plan and abide.

Some things were done to me in the last few weeks that TRULY were NOT my fault. But, I still feel like it was because I wasn't good enough. I have always struggled with that. I didn't know back then, what I know now. The reason for the struggle.

I only take anxiety meds now. But, I am doing research on mood stabilizers because the road to getting better takes acceptance. I can accept that I can't do it on my own. I have tried the natural remedies and they don't work for me. My brain chemistry to too far gone.

I know my child knows her 'mommy' isn't like everybody else's and facing that is even harder than facing the feelings of never being good enough.

This is what I meant by my this will be a battle. I can't change, or even control for that matter, my emotions. I just have to push through these inadequacies and keep moving forward.

Bare with me as I try to navigate my way to a better life.

Excited!!??!!!

For the first time in months, I am feeling something I haven't felt in an extremely long time.

EXCITED

I have made some serious decisions that can only benefit my life, which of course will make my daughter's life better. Its not going to be easy. But, I think its high time I prove to myself just how strong I am.

This is going to be an uphill battle. But, I know I'll come through it stronger. I'm being vague on purpose. *sorry* I am a talker and I talk about a lot of things. Some things I do and finish; while others are just left being talked about.

For this, I want to BE it. No more talking.

I just want to BE.

I want to deal with my recent setbacks without any outside 'enhancement'. I want to complete my list of things I have been putting off for no good reason at a steady pace so I don't get overwhelmed.

I want to be able to "DEAL" with myself.

How the HELL could I ever expect anyone to be able to "DEAL" with me if I can even do it myself without alcohol, prescription pain killers, or cannabis.

So, I am going to do just that.

Live a SOBER life.

It almost seems like a dirty word. I feel cursed out when someone would even suggest I do for a day let alone a week or even 30 days.

But, this is a lifestyle change. There is no booze or drugs, except for my psych meds, in my house. My stash is gone and this will be a battle.

But, for once, I'm going into battle armed with more than just my wits. In the past, my wits have often been enough, but with this particular adversary I know they wont be.

I have armed myself with the tools that I need to beat this opponent. This will be a blood bath of a match and it wont be over in 5 rounds. But, I'm ready and I have cross country trained for this.

I know this is not a manic decision, because I am no elated. I'm scared SHITLESS. But, I am excited that I was strong enough to make this decision for myself, armed with myself and my own support.

I am not leaning to anyone else for understanding, because I need to find it in myself. When, I can see the world clearly that will follow.

Change is scary, especially when it's for the better.

Getting back to me

For those of you that don't know I have a borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I think my bipolar disorder is a symptom of my borderline personality.

I admitted something to my BFF that I don't think i have ever even admitted to myself. It really makes no difference how much someone loves me or I love them for that matter, I feel EMPTY.

I am a vessel of emptiness surrounded by love and support. I have sisters, a mother, and a very understanding toddler in my life.

But, most of the time, I can't feel it. My daughter is great at telling me "I love you mommy" and I can feel it, but alas there is an ever staying sense of emptiness.

That has attributed to wild behaviors of the past as an attempt to somehow "fill" the void.

But, I digress, its time to accept and work through the void. I am placing down all of my "void fillers". They are doing the job and I'm falling deeper into a spiral with them anyway.

I'm looking at a more things in my life clearer now. Some things in my life are purely pain killers. By that I mean I do them for no other reason than to fill the "void". Therefor, they are expendable.

I'm quitting these pain killers and replacing them with more positive things.

I went out and bought a new skincare line. I have some exercises that I want to incorporate into my routine. I have a new time I would like to wake up in the morning to start my day. I have a new water bottle, because I suck at drinking water.


I'm getting back to myself and doing more things that take care of me and keep me healthy. I'm staying away from the things that do otherwise.

This is going to be a struggle. But, with me taking my time has not yielding positive results. I'm either all in or all out. So, I'm going to be 'all in' on this.

I'm making big changes to my life. Focusing on healthy living. I hope i don't become one of the health gurus. But, if I do, at least it will be a positive change.