Excited!!??!!!

For the first time in months, I am feeling something I haven't felt in an extremely long time.

EXCITED

I have made some serious decisions that can only benefit my life, which of course will make my daughter's life better. Its not going to be easy. But, I think its high time I prove to myself just how strong I am.

This is going to be an uphill battle. But, I know I'll come through it stronger. I'm being vague on purpose. *sorry* I am a talker and I talk about a lot of things. Some things I do and finish; while others are just left being talked about.

For this, I want to BE it. No more talking.

I just want to BE.

I want to deal with my recent setbacks without any outside 'enhancement'. I want to complete my list of things I have been putting off for no good reason at a steady pace so I don't get overwhelmed.

I want to be able to "DEAL" with myself.

How the HELL could I ever expect anyone to be able to "DEAL" with me if I can even do it myself without alcohol, prescription pain killers, or cannabis.

So, I am going to do just that.

Live a SOBER life.

It almost seems like a dirty word. I feel cursed out when someone would even suggest I do for a day let alone a week or even 30 days.

But, this is a lifestyle change. There is no booze or drugs, except for my psych meds, in my house. My stash is gone and this will be a battle.

But, for once, I'm going into battle armed with more than just my wits. In the past, my wits have often been enough, but with this particular adversary I know they wont be.

I have armed myself with the tools that I need to beat this opponent. This will be a blood bath of a match and it wont be over in 5 rounds. But, I'm ready and I have cross country trained for this.

I know this is not a manic decision, because I am no elated. I'm scared SHITLESS. But, I am excited that I was strong enough to make this decision for myself, armed with myself and my own support.

I am not leaning to anyone else for understanding, because I need to find it in myself. When, I can see the world clearly that will follow.

Change is scary, especially when it's for the better.