Getting back to me

For those of you that don't know I have a borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I think my bipolar disorder is a symptom of my borderline personality.

I admitted something to my BFF that I don't think i have ever even admitted to myself. It really makes no difference how much someone loves me or I love them for that matter, I feel EMPTY.

I am a vessel of emptiness surrounded by love and support. I have sisters, a mother, and a very understanding toddler in my life.

But, most of the time, I can't feel it. My daughter is great at telling me "I love you mommy" and I can feel it, but alas there is an ever staying sense of emptiness.

That has attributed to wild behaviors of the past as an attempt to somehow "fill" the void.

But, I digress, its time to accept and work through the void. I am placing down all of my "void fillers". They are doing the job and I'm falling deeper into a spiral with them anyway.

I'm looking at a more things in my life clearer now. Some things in my life are purely pain killers. By that I mean I do them for no other reason than to fill the "void". Therefor, they are expendable.

I'm quitting these pain killers and replacing them with more positive things.

I went out and bought a new skincare line. I have some exercises that I want to incorporate into my routine. I have a new time I would like to wake up in the morning to start my day. I have a new water bottle, because I suck at drinking water.


I'm getting back to myself and doing more things that take care of me and keep me healthy. I'm staying away from the things that do otherwise.

This is going to be a struggle. But, with me taking my time has not yielding positive results. I'm either all in or all out. So, I'm going to be 'all in' on this.

I'm making big changes to my life. Focusing on healthy living. I hope i don't become one of the health gurus. But, if I do, at least it will be a positive change.