So, I had a manic episode last night. They come and they go. But, I guess that's why Im bipolar with a borderline personality. Instead of just having pure BPD (borderline personality disorder). Pure BPD has mostly downs and the mood swings don't last for long usually a few hours.
With Bipolar Disorder, you can be up for days or weeks and then down for just as long or longer. I am Bipolar. I do have a borderline personality.
Okay, so now that you have read that allow me to explain. I am in a manic state. It is physiological, which is why I can recognize it. I am not hungry and I am EXTREMELY agitated.
Last night, I just felt sooooo empty inside (borderline personality trait) and I had no idea why I was here or what I was doing. I knew I could not leave this world without my child. Because who is going to take care of her with me gone.
I would go into details but it really just involves a lot of screaming, yelling, and crying. Then, you sit and stare. Then, you just don't know what's really going on. I live my life mostly in a fog and it is very rare that I have a clear line of sight.
Think of a blinding fog. That is a manic episode. A violent, blinding fog.
However, I would like to report that I made it through. I did not drink, smoke, or pop any sort of pill. I made it through. It was hard as hell. I even called the father of my child (who did not care) and now I am seeing that situation so much clearer.
I have no words for him. Sometimes there are no words.
But, this has made me stronger. Because if I could beat that all by my lonesome with no 'enhancers' then I'm okay.
I have issues that I recognize and I'm dealing with. But, I'm okay.
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