FEELINGS

So, I am still on a good track. But, my mind is wondering, that's what it does. My borderline personality causes me to turn things inwards.

Sometimes, I often feel like I'm not good enough. Good enough for what I don't know. But, its like the boogey man. Even though you know he is not real; he still has the power to scare the CRAP out of you.

This feeling has crept up and it is rearing its ugly head. Because I'm living this sober life I know there are going to be some tears later. Maybe, even some self pity. But, what there wont be is the use of anesthetics. So, I am really feeling this pain.

I'm scared every time my "work" phone rings because I know I can't handle to speaking to my daughter's father EVER. It seems harsh, but at the end of the day I am the only one who takes care of her everyday so if I'm not okay, she is not going to be okay.

She needs to be okay. For that to happen I have to stick with this plan and abide.

Some things were done to me in the last few weeks that TRULY were NOT my fault. But, I still feel like it was because I wasn't good enough. I have always struggled with that. I didn't know back then, what I know now. The reason for the struggle.

I only take anxiety meds now. But, I am doing research on mood stabilizers because the road to getting better takes acceptance. I can accept that I can't do it on my own. I have tried the natural remedies and they don't work for me. My brain chemistry to too far gone.

I know my child knows her 'mommy' isn't like everybody else's and facing that is even harder than facing the feelings of never being good enough.

This is what I meant by my this will be a battle. I can't change, or even control for that matter, my emotions. I just have to push through these inadequacies and keep moving forward.

Bare with me as I try to navigate my way to a better life.