Getting Over SetBacks....

Well, since this is where I come to be completely honest allow me to do so.

I kicked the father of my child out yesterday for reasons explained in my previous post.

I don't think he cared. But, for whatever reason he would not return my keys. He made up all these excuses and finally I was up a wall with the situation and offered to meet him somewhere. (Even though our child was sleep, and I had to wake her up out of the bed, get her dressed and put her in the car)

He wasn't willing to drip my keys off. Then, he acted as if he didn't want to meet me anywhere. After that, he was like his lights weren't working and he couldn't drive any further. So, Im driving down the street and looking for him because he was supposedly "pulled over".

We were on the phone, he was avoiding the question, I was getting "outside of myself:.

Before I knew it I seen him at the red light and his lights were fine.

I LOST IT.

Short story, even shorter I attempted to CRASH my car into his going at full speed. Due to his superb driving skills, he is a driver, I missed him.

Alas, I attempted these things again with no mention of forethought of my safety. I TOTALLY forgot my child was in her car seat in the back sleeping.

My keys were thrown against my windshield at the time of the chase, so at least I did get them back.

I have always been concerned about my child's safety around me. Not because I have ever done anything to her. (I don't even pop her, even when she deserves it) But, because I know BPD (BiPolar Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can cause me to do things that are "out of my control"

I have NEVER, since this child has been on this earth, done anything that endangers her well-being. I may have done things detrimental to my own health, but not my child's.

Once I got home, I completely BROKE DOWN. I totally FORGOT she was in the car because she was sleep the whole time. Tears were coming, breathing was quickened, and I was pretty close to having a panic attack.

Now, this is a bad thing because it is just  me and my two year old. I am completely independent and usually there are not other adults in the home with us. So, if I would have a had a full blown attack, I have no idea what would have happened.

After talking to my mom, I realized that "folk" try to cut you down and hit your sore spot, because that's all they have on you.

I admit I am a very flirty person. I don't dress provocatively or succumb to promiscuity in my adulthood, but I did tend to have more guy friends in the past. I can see how people may have perceived me.

But, the past is the past. I take care of myself and my child with no outside financial support. I have a job and my child is enrolled in a private daycare.

I had a setback and I need to accept it, vow to do EVERYTHING in my power to not let it happen again, and move on.

Now, for me this will be work. But, I am committed to doing the necessary work.